Country Music

There are few things in life that I despise as much as country music. Those things being tomatoes, feet, and stupid people. That being said, when you’re from central Kansas, it’s impossible to avoid those terrible sound abominations that never fail to float my way via musical waves that make me want to stab my ear drums, and then stab others’ in case they were not able to “save themselves” from the blasphemy that calls itself music. (That was quite the run on sentence, if I do say so myself). I suppose my hatred comes from having to listen to the same mind-numbing 4 chord songs about ’Merica and gettin’ druunk in the local saloon. Who calls it a saloon anymore anyways? Funny thing, I thought they were called bars now. Anyhoo, I also find it terribly annoying that the people doing the singing often don’t practice what they are so soulfully droning about. The hilarity of watching a 5’6” Kenny Chesney singing about his down home way of life while wearing puka shells and standing on a beach gets me every time.

Another aspect of country music that drives me batty, besides the annoying guitar and self imposed artificial southern drawl, of course, is the constant whining. Although the whining vocals do compliment the whiny guitar, I really don’t want to spend my time listening to people bitching about how their lives are horrible. Really, if your life is that bad, stop complaining about everything, quit singing, and get shit done, because apparently this whole country music career isn’t making you happy. I also find it hard to believe, that Toby Keith or some other asshole wearing a cowboy hat has been working overtime at the plant. Seriously. You know he’s sitting in his mansion writing another hit song about cows, and only dons the Canadian tuxedo when it’s concert time. I really feel like there’s more to life than beer, dogs, trucks, hunting, and that whore of a wife who took everything in the divorce. Let’s get original, people.

Perhaps I don’t like it because I grew up with it or I’ve been trying to be original. All I know is that that music is worse than listening to a 2 hour commencement speech by Fran Drescher. Maybe it stems from my years of working at the pool. As if it didn’t suck enough to be stewing in my own sweat, screaming at little kids, and ensuring that I will eventually get skin cancer, I was forced to listen to it all day long- sometimes for 11 hours. Delicious. Who really knows? Now whatever is an overly opinionated girl to do when she makes the trip back to the central Kansas homeland full of twang and drawl? Continue to boycott country music, thank sweet baby Jesus for iPods, and move on with life are the only things I can think of.