RA duties

Basically, this was inspired by friends and fueled by the absolute stagnation that is being the summer RA. When one is on RA duty, their duties consist of, but are not limited to: unlocking doors when residents lock themselves out, nightly rounds for security, locking up residence halls, and being on call all night for the disposal of drunken noisy residents when they just can’t fit the key in the hole. You would think the key itself was some sort of mysterious trinket with dark magic that they have not mastered, and only the RA possesses at 3 am. I am the Lord of the Keys- perhaps a Jedi of sorts. What all of that really means is sitting on your ass waiting to be called for something to do. You aren’t allowed to leave campus, nay, you aren’t allowed to leave residential living complexes whilst on duty, so you’re left counting ceiling tiles until you’re needed. Good God, what am I to do all summer? I’ve only been on duty 4 nights and I’m about to succumb to the darkness that RA life can offer. To pass the time I’ve been alternating doing lunges, pushups, etc. in my room, with reading my dragon book, and repeatedly slamming my head into the wall because it “feels so good when I stop.” There are only so many episodes of Law and Order one can watch without being tempted to replicate one of the crimes with vicious regard out of sheer boredom and excess pent up energy from sitting with my thumb up my ass all weekend. The doldrums of this weekend were not helped by the total lack of food in my apartment. Being the lady and scholar that I am, I bought groceries like milk, lunch meat, and butter, forgot that I had tucked them away into a bag while I was moving in, and left them out all night. That being said, I had nothing to eat all weekend but frozen vegetables, potatoes, peanut butter, and dry cereal. My old roommate jacked my cooking pot, so I wasn’t even able to make Ramen noodles. Clearly, I lived the life of a champion.

Nightly rounds while on RA duty are another topic entirely. The majority of Residential Living staffers at any one time are female. This is all fine and dandy, as females are generally more excited about bulletin boards and cookie parties than men- excluding the gay ones, of course. I think gay men would make FABULOUS (Insert effeminate token gay voice) RAs. However, the 11 pm and 1 am rounds are a bit much. We are to patrol all of the residence facilities in great detail, shutting off the lights, and making sure there are no bad guys out to get residents. Now you tell me, what sounds good about a freckly, blond, former Swedish Dancer walking around a dark campus by herself in Topeka, Kansas? We are given a 3 ring binder, set of 2 keys on a lanyard, and a cell phone. What in the hell can I do about security issues? Am I to text the homeless rapist to death, perhaps Frisbee his head off by flinging my notebook at his jugular? Or maybe the sheer authority that I command in my duck pajama shorts and flip flops sends them running in a cold sweat with fear in their hearts. I can only imagine it’s the latter. My unease is not helped by one of the police officers telling me that crime on campus goes up during the summer because criminals off campus run on campus to hide from the real police. What does that say about our campus cops? We were told we could call the campus police to escort us around at night, but honestly, what is 5’4” bike cop lady going to do that I can’t? Perhaps the infamous Officer Farva from Super Troopers look-alike will come to my aid, thinking that if he saves me, he will finally get that piece of college ass that he has been working toward for so long. Oh well, a guy can dream, I suppose.

This is Officer Farva. You may have seen him around campus. Or maybe not, because he usually reserves his time for creeping on female desk assistants at 2 a.m.